white walls.

my eyes burn
they're dry
so am i.
as funny as a saltine.

chi l l.

where did november go and why am i so cold?

we're all hallow.

Even though today/this week has been horrid,
i feel a release.
now i remember what it's like to breathe,
without the sensation of a hidden past stabbing be in the chest.

let's see how long this lasts.

I'm going on a four day road trip across and around michigan,
i'm excited to drive with thoughts blowing wildly with the scent of fall intoxicating my nostrils.

icp..

as in intense cloud pondering.



I'm dying
because i wont let myself breathe.

here comes the sun.

that's what we were singing this morning as our minds failed to fall asleep,
it was nice, talking in the deep dark basement about past thoughts, past cries.
and i was relieved knowing i wouldn't have to hide down in the dungeon for much longer,
i need to get on with my life and remember what it's like to live-
without inebriation. (it's such a joke these days, seriously.)
and the lovely ron howard came over last night, which was a breath of fresh air,
since his presence is almost lacking from my life.
it's weird when you realize how much you have changed, and it's noticeable when you see a face you haven't been up close and personal to in years,
but then at the same time i just feel like i'm the same exact person, beta version, slightly hardened with worse vision.

i'm still so tired, all those talks of horrifying dreams made them a reality.
and i was left unable to close the door to hell that's located precisely behind my eyes.

and speaking of old, yet not forgotten faces kelly is coming out tonight, it has been ages since i've seen her, or even really talked to her without involviong e waves, and glowing screens.
and stacy may come out too.
we'll see.

as for now i need to get out of my eternal funk and get some motion into this ocean.

trendies.

the world will end itself before we let it die naturally.

two L's and an old song.

Life;
i'm not living here, i feel almost shadow like, crawling in between spaces and filling in blank space with a black pen. maybe with the recent event of me losing my home/family i feel inadequate, nothing can make me feel the way i once felt. i open the door and blank walls blind me, when the old walls would hold out a hand. i'm not used to faking smiles and forcing conversation, it's not that i don't want to talk, it's i have nothing to say, and i don't feel like being that person who goes through motions, when i can be motionless.
days go by, and i feel so unaware, i gauge time by however long it took me to completely fill a page with circles and lines, there's no clock ticking in my mind, there's just a ticking.
an annoyance of reality.
it's confirmed my father is and will be forever absent from the remainder of my life,
my mom feels like we should go to a funeral, but i told her he's been dead to me for years.
what a bitch, but i'm only the product of several years worth of acid rain.
jaded and more cynical than ever, but i still love to love, absent love, detached love.
so let me.
Love;
as people fade something about them grows brighter, they have a sense of spiritual being rather than physical, and their love shines through or their lack of.
the world is a beautiful place, what did we do to it?
you go online, thank the heavens for spam blocker and spy ware, but when i walk outside billboards and jackasses consume me, there's no X in the corner I can't block them out, when i just want to see the screen, my vision of trees and smoke signals.

i'm too distracted,
back to the drawing board.


when will i ever get to italy?

pink velvet.

Oh Sundays,
the gray sky peers through the window,
I probably should put some pants on, but I really don't have the desire to.

I'm prepared for a long day of making art,
it shall be a good day.

a little sugar in my bowl.

It has been a difficult week for me;
family wise, I didn't sign up for this, to hold together people who want to be elsewhere.
The calm didn't prepare me for the storm, it just prolonged the inevitable. While I love my mother dearly she doesn't understand I'm not her fill in therapist, and I don't need anymore reasons to dislike my father, it's hard enough looking in the mirror with the realization I have his features.
I'm working my way out.
Out of the hellish cycle that has me trapped.

I'm sick, death woke up, sat in my cup of coffee and I've been floored since.
Hiding in my nest coughing up lungs and loves.
The sun is setting and I'm sitting waiting for something to open my eyes,
something to unlock my frozen fingers,
I see the pen,
where's the paper?

t r u t h

I have my coffee, nicotine, and rapid running thoughts,
let's create some art, some life on my plain white paper.



"They must find it difficult...
Those who have taken authority as the truth,
rather than the truth as the authority."
-Gerald Massey

too soon to speak.

I wonder if life is going to let me catch my breathe one of these days,
I'm feeling rather positive, I can see some shade of light coming in through the ruble.
I want to keep the faith and get my life back on track,
I know I can do it, it just may take sometime.

Don't give up on me.

would it make it any better?

I miss this feeling, it's the one I crave most days of the year, i can breathe and with each new whirlwind of air new thoughts embrace my mind.
I feel swollen with thoughts and creative energy, give me your face i want to make it my master piece.
I can't even contain myself, oh joyous.
I can't put my mind away nor do I wish to do so.

Come paint with me.

slow beats

Beautiful music,
soft almost silent noise in my ears,
it rings at a pitch only dogs can hear yet it could tear down your wildest dreams,
oh how it keeps me motionless like a still life of storms.

it will only hurt for a minute

Well, much has gone on in this past week, and it has been brain numbing when you'd think it would quite the contrary.

When this week began I was hopeful with the up and coming Factory party and having plans to visit very missed friends back in Brighton, even with the flood I was being positive.
As i drove back to Brighton i experienced terrible and sudden pain, ignored it, but when three days later I was still curled on the floor in tears I was a little worried, but once again ignored it.
I came home Friday night to bleach and finishing scrubbing the basement with my parents but my roommates were concerned when I couldn't even go up and doing the stairs because my right side was in throbbing, burning pain.
So my mother took me to the emergency room at around 1am that night, I was there for three hours and had the joy of getting a pelvic exam(which reminds me why I'm in no way fond of being a woman), cat scan, eight hundred blood tests, etc. it was probably the most horrid 12 hours of my life.
And they released me with no indication really as to what was going on with me,
"Well you're out of here, oh and we can't give you those pain meds because you're appendix could burst, and if it does let us know, it's likely and serious, you could die."

And that my friends is why I do not like doctors, hospitals, or anything sterile for the matter.

So I get back home around two in the afternoon and spend the day cleaning and tin foiling the basement in preparation for the party, which I'd say was pretty damn successful.
I couldn't drink however which was fine with me, I enjoyed watching everyone else be mindless, and tons of people came that I didn't expect to. A dog even came to our party!

but some people however, were slam drunked beyond oblivion, which worried me. In a way I thought to myself about how much I drink and how I really need to keep it in the down low because I don't want to be that emotional drunk person who cries there heart out to every soul that passes by, and I never do, so i shouldn't be so concerned it's just tiring i can't think so much right now. And blah blah, I'm running in circles in my mind.

I wish I was tired. Eh.
Today was so beautiful out, I really wanted to get a pumpkin but it's too soon i think, but soon enough I'm going to fill my backyard with pumpkins and be happy.

I'm exhausted, I can't sleep, I'm done here.

lay me down

I can't decide whether I want to write or not,
my eyes are being pulled back through my skull and my body just wants to be horizontal,
because sitting up is just to complicated to think about at this point.
I want all of the trees to be red, orange and yellow because it makes the world seem so unreal.






I feel sick
come spend time with me.

Let's pretend it's last wednesday.

I'm sitting here on the pink Velvet coach in my living room,
as one roommate clings to the futon, another runs about upstairs, and I'm here-
I really should be doing better things with my time like finding a job for one,
or just doing something mildly productive, but I'm not.
And that's okay, because the trees are at such a stand still, they're not even trying to convince me to come out and play, which is okay, just for today.

Yesterday was my birthday along with a few others,
so the day carried a lot of magic even though the sky held one shade of gray for the entirety of the day. But I've never spent such a good day wrapped up in blankets.

.