wine flavored rain

Thanksgiving,
I am so thankful there's a day dedicated to being thankful. Everyday should be like this.
My friends, my family, my life, the trees, the weather, the sun and the moon,
i could go on forever. Everything I have is exactly everything I need, nothing more nothing less.
Spent the day with family, last night with friends, perfect.
Now I am catching rain drops in my glass of wine, puffing on smog,
wondering. pondering, thinking.
I wish I didn't attach my heart to my hip bones because icantstopthinking about
YOU. when I know I'm the farthest thing from your thought stream.
Oh the joys of an aching heart.
Good night my sweet
sweet world.
be happy, be safe.
hug someone you love
real tight.
xo

and here we are

all drip dropping under the same rainy sky,
there's something about it being 60 degrees and raining right now that is so fitting.
'tis the end of November.

Holy melatonin!
i am out like the democrats.
g'night sweet world xo

sCrATching, at the screen door

Cigarettes always taste different after a good cry, so much more meaningful and delicious, like real good sex. It almost makes me want to light up another but I'm not about to trade this warm bed for the freezing patio, oh hell no, and besides I don't need it.
Oh this day has gone places, it's been onehelluvaloong day, and here's to tomorrow which is sure to be the same.
Hopefully less tears and less bad new, better dreams and things.
I'm just itching for the snow
I can't wait to just be in it, for a moment until I realize I miss the sun.

I need to make art,
now more than ever.
It's the only thing I can't do wrong.


catch a falling star.
xo

no PAIN, no GAIN

Everyone's life is so extremely different, all raised in such different situations. Sometimes I look back on my childhood and just wonder how I got through it, but I did. And here I am, so thankful I wasn't given a silver spoon. Mike and I talked this morning sharing our perspectives on our family and such, I learned alot. I want to write more later, for now I'm off for a gray day walk through the woods.





My eyes are open and so are my arms.

There are so many of us beings, do we need each other? or could we get by all on our own?
We're all bouncing into each other fucking up each other's shit up all of the time. Chaos is almost always happening, it seems.
.
Today was great, I have such a great energy running through me lately. I hiked, did yoga, cooked up some vegetables and went to work, 'twas real lovely. It was a gorgeous day, sun high in the sky and it was so warm! It's going to be a switch transition into winter... if it ever comes. I like what's going on, it's been a perfect fall, thanks Michigan you've made these last few months a little more tolerable with the beauty.
.
I need to make art, it's been weeks since I've sat down and had myself a good scribble, there's ink seeping from my pores. It needs to come out, I have so many ideas streaming from my brain. Sunday will be the perfect day to dedicate to art. It's a plan.
.
Life at the house, here, has been rough. It's nothing I want to get into but I'm ready for everything to settle and the dust will clear, i''m hoping.
.
Take a walk, make some art.
Good night my sweets, it's the week-
END.

it's warm over (T)here

Oh the places we go, the places we end up
states of mind and states, united.
Days pass, weeks, months. Holy November this is getting cold, dark, displeasing
yet my arms are still spread wide open, welcome. Ready or not here you are.
2011 is rapidly approaching, so soon. 2 more months to make this year complete.
I've been wide awake for hours, the sleep's still in my eye.
I want to go for a walk, the crisp cold air, bundle up, wear socks and scarves.
Feeling a wee bit
scatter
brained
but that's nothing new.

I don't know what I'd do without my friends
each and everyone of them. I am so lucky.

Enjoy the day, soak up some sun and store it in mind.
xo

high lows

climbing hills just to go back down and so on.
I don't mind the constant struggle, it's almost the only constant in my life.
Today I am frustrated at the world mainly the government, mainly the people in charge. There's nothing I want more than to stick it to the man right now.
I hate that green sheets of paper determine almost our everything,
where we live, what we eat, what we wear, the way we travel, the way we think, the way we are treated, the way we live.
People work long hard hours, making low pay, paying high taxes. Yet the day you fall ill or your body breaks, you are fat out of luck, because if you can't pay for your medical bills good luck trying to find someone to help you. And if you do find help it'll be you tugging on the cat's damn tail all day trying to make it budge.

The world needs to start all over, back to the beginning, back to the basics.
If you owe anyone anything it should be your love and affection and attention
for those are far greater gifts than paper stamped with faces saying one nation under god when we really belong to ONE NATION UNDER FRAUD.

sweet dreams, i hope for.
xo

minimal effort love

that's what i'm used to, it's what I grew up with. And today I was thinking about how when you're young everything you know about love comes from what you see your parents do. Shame if you have poor teachers because it's hard to find patient lovers, the type that guide you and redirect the aim of your compassion.
Never doing more than what was required, doing things to make the other person shut up and not doing it to make them happy, shelling out dollar bills instead of love, never showing love through affection, tuning out the other and not tuning them in.
I want to change the way I love, people need affection, need subtle reminders they're loved often.
blah blah blah
trying to break the ice around my heart
xo

very (UN)focused

Time is spiraling out of control, running from my fingertips faster than money.
The leaves are only a constant reminder of what's yet to come, I'm excited. I can't wait for the future, digging new graves to fill. Everyday is a battle, a constant fight. Trying to get my thoughts clear, i have to backtrack before things can get any better. I've made way too many damn mistakes in the past months, I'm very aware of what I've done and haven't done, progress. change. it's all happening under the surface all of the time. Sometimes I feel like fighting myself is always the biggest battle, I always have to fight myself and when I'm not that's when I fuck up. I'm too in the moment I rarely yield with caution, just go, just do it, and if there's a problem I'll spend the next months of my life trying to straighten out the aftermath. And that's where I am, so done dealing with my constant lapse of judgment. So frustrated at myself, and that doesn't even help any. If you want to be it, be it. If you want to change it, change it.
Nobody said it was easy.
It is what it is, and that's what it is.
..

I love the people in my life, so THANKFUL for everyone I know, meet, see, strangers, dangers. Everyone has their own pile of shit they have to carry around with them all day, so be nice, think twice and most of all please stay off of the roads if you're in a hurry, you're not the only person you're responsible for when you're driving..
as for me
i'm in no rush;

not today at least
xo

red leaves, red lobsters

I've been walking down the wrong path,
i'm jumping ship, I have to get my thoughts together.
Alright Laura steer straight,
avoid danger and bright lights.

Why do you keep showing up in my dreams,
get out of my head.
Twenty bodies lined up along the railroad tracks, all bent over with their heads on the rail.
On a beautiful bridge, over a river.
The train comes, nothing but blood showers- no one moved.
The river turns red.
And I wake up.

My head's on the line next.

see you today

I'm so twisted and tangled in the thoughts of your locks alone-
I don't even need to be near them, I haven't even seen you in weeks.
Something about those eyes that burn through the days and land themselves a starring role in most of my nights dreams, I want you. But I spilled the milk months ago, a real fuck up, me. We probably could of had something great but I destroyed it, instantly, the bat of an eyelash and a zip of a zipper and bam. over. I was so far away from right, my judgment is always in the red zone it seems. A walking disaster. I didn't want it to be this way.
I really really wanted this story to have a different end. For now it is what is, and that's what it is.
..
Turning 21 was exactly what I expected. Woke up the next morning with a blackout induced panic attack. I thought I died at TeeBones, but for some reason I woke up in my bed, clothes trail through the house and jessica at my side. I had alot of fun yet I drank an oceans worth, I never want that much alcohol running through my veins again, it was painful. And the fact that there are at least three good hours that are just black spots in my memory freaks me out. I can't handle it.
[self control]: i'm trying so hard to get a grasp on the meaning, and what it means for me. I feel like I have been spiraling OUT of control for too long, I need to get my priorities in check. fast.
..
Things are starting to fall into to place and I have nothing but high hopes for the months to come. Bills are getting paid off, slowly but surely and I am working two jobs, hours are finally picking up. I hope to be moving by december, back in with Brenna. Which will be amazing, i can't handle it here, I need my own place, I need art supplies everywhere, I need space. And a kitty..

Wide awake, 3 AM. Work in the AM.
Geesh..

Sing me to sleep?
xo

The cold is sweeping through this small town, warm hearts turned bitter. It's only the beginning, the leaves are still holding tight to trees, soon they'll be falling under our feet, crunch.
Six days brings my day of birth, birthday, happy day. I just don't even have the energy at this moment to think about it, I just don't even want to.
..

And here we are darling, you with your desire to burn.
As the flames eat you whole let me watch and learn.
So sudden, so sweet, just add fire and meet your defeat.

..
another day, another time
i'll sit down and really let you in on the chaos which consumes my mind,
for now i'm busy painting.
xo

cold coffee

I need to stretch, my body feels tightly coiled around this spinal cord, I'm in need of a deep release, the spiritual type.
I'm exhausted, sleep hasn't come easily as of late, so aggravating. I can sleep when I die they say, that couldn't come sooner. I want to go on lock down and wake up when the leaves are glowing red and yellow. That means winter is waiting around the corner, end thought.
I saw the Chihuly exhibit yesterday in grand rapids at the frederik meijer sculpture gardens, it was the most amazing day, so beautiful. I felt like I was floating through wonderland, candyland or something of the sort. Passing by giant horses and rock candy sculptures reaching high into the sky. I loved the art pieces in the water, it was magic. Art in the garden, now that's just genious, I'm so happy it exsists in the world. People who translate thought into art, I use paint, Chihuly glass. It gives me chills almost in the best possible way just knowing that this piece of beauty came somewhere from the back of your brain through your hands to my face, for my interpretation for my enjoyment and all at the sametime it provides you some sort of gratification. Making people think with your colorful thoughts.
I really relate to those who create.
I'm overflowing with inspiration, today is dedicated to paint and reading.
I picked up a book the other day, toward 2012. And no it's not one of those OMG THE WORLD IS GOING TO END type deals, more of a look into the world and the evolution of human conciosness. It's really great thus far, right up my alley.
the sun is ashinin', I refuse to be a slave to this glowing box today.
Lights out robot, i'm going solar, time to melt.
xo

steak dinner

Good evening ladies and gentlemen;
slightly feverish and stuffed up but I'm doing okay, it's that out of body feeling you get when your allergies attack your brain and every crevice inbetween.
So much for New Mexico, another year perhaps I need some more time.
I've been busy translating my thoughts into color on your canvas, I never really begin knowing what I'm creating yet when I finish it's speaking to me just the way I'd hope it would.
Soul music, windows open, on the floor, the dog days of august are coming to an end and I feel autumn creeping up from behind though right now, right here i feel the sweet sweat of summer dripping down my temple. no complaints, i like it this way.
Shadow is sprawled out on the carpet, he turned 10 this year. I can't believe it, I remember the first time I laid eyes on that pup and it's been pure love and bliss since, what a wonderful animal.
I'm currently broke as a joke, not completely jobless but JoAnn's is a total joke, 4 hours a week? Psh. I've been selling art here and there but the whole starving artist thing isn't cutting it. I need to get out of this hell hole, I need to move, I need my space.
Brother and father are barking at my face, no concentration.
I'll be back, maybe.
xo

and we're back again

it's been awhile my sweets. let me fill you in;
i've moved to atlanta and back all in good timing. i'll be moving out of state again come august and i'm thinking new mexico. i've been busy making art, making friends, and making great plans.



and i've seem to run out of time this evening.
i'll be back. sooner than later my love
don't wait up.