icp..

as in intense cloud pondering.



I'm dying
because i wont let myself breathe.

here comes the sun.

that's what we were singing this morning as our minds failed to fall asleep,
it was nice, talking in the deep dark basement about past thoughts, past cries.
and i was relieved knowing i wouldn't have to hide down in the dungeon for much longer,
i need to get on with my life and remember what it's like to live-
without inebriation. (it's such a joke these days, seriously.)
and the lovely ron howard came over last night, which was a breath of fresh air,
since his presence is almost lacking from my life.
it's weird when you realize how much you have changed, and it's noticeable when you see a face you haven't been up close and personal to in years,
but then at the same time i just feel like i'm the same exact person, beta version, slightly hardened with worse vision.

i'm still so tired, all those talks of horrifying dreams made them a reality.
and i was left unable to close the door to hell that's located precisely behind my eyes.

and speaking of old, yet not forgotten faces kelly is coming out tonight, it has been ages since i've seen her, or even really talked to her without involviong e waves, and glowing screens.
and stacy may come out too.
we'll see.

as for now i need to get out of my eternal funk and get some motion into this ocean.

trendies.

the world will end itself before we let it die naturally.

two L's and an old song.

Life;
i'm not living here, i feel almost shadow like, crawling in between spaces and filling in blank space with a black pen. maybe with the recent event of me losing my home/family i feel inadequate, nothing can make me feel the way i once felt. i open the door and blank walls blind me, when the old walls would hold out a hand. i'm not used to faking smiles and forcing conversation, it's not that i don't want to talk, it's i have nothing to say, and i don't feel like being that person who goes through motions, when i can be motionless.
days go by, and i feel so unaware, i gauge time by however long it took me to completely fill a page with circles and lines, there's no clock ticking in my mind, there's just a ticking.
an annoyance of reality.
it's confirmed my father is and will be forever absent from the remainder of my life,
my mom feels like we should go to a funeral, but i told her he's been dead to me for years.
what a bitch, but i'm only the product of several years worth of acid rain.
jaded and more cynical than ever, but i still love to love, absent love, detached love.
so let me.
Love;
as people fade something about them grows brighter, they have a sense of spiritual being rather than physical, and their love shines through or their lack of.
the world is a beautiful place, what did we do to it?
you go online, thank the heavens for spam blocker and spy ware, but when i walk outside billboards and jackasses consume me, there's no X in the corner I can't block them out, when i just want to see the screen, my vision of trees and smoke signals.

i'm too distracted,
back to the drawing board.


when will i ever get to italy?

pink velvet.

Oh Sundays,
the gray sky peers through the window,
I probably should put some pants on, but I really don't have the desire to.

I'm prepared for a long day of making art,
it shall be a good day.

a little sugar in my bowl.

It has been a difficult week for me;
family wise, I didn't sign up for this, to hold together people who want to be elsewhere.
The calm didn't prepare me for the storm, it just prolonged the inevitable. While I love my mother dearly she doesn't understand I'm not her fill in therapist, and I don't need anymore reasons to dislike my father, it's hard enough looking in the mirror with the realization I have his features.
I'm working my way out.
Out of the hellish cycle that has me trapped.

I'm sick, death woke up, sat in my cup of coffee and I've been floored since.
Hiding in my nest coughing up lungs and loves.
The sun is setting and I'm sitting waiting for something to open my eyes,
something to unlock my frozen fingers,
I see the pen,
where's the paper?

t r u t h

I have my coffee, nicotine, and rapid running thoughts,
let's create some art, some life on my plain white paper.



"They must find it difficult...
Those who have taken authority as the truth,
rather than the truth as the authority."
-Gerald Massey

too soon to speak.

I wonder if life is going to let me catch my breathe one of these days,
I'm feeling rather positive, I can see some shade of light coming in through the ruble.
I want to keep the faith and get my life back on track,
I know I can do it, it just may take sometime.

Don't give up on me.