two L's and an old song.

Life;
i'm not living here, i feel almost shadow like, crawling in between spaces and filling in blank space with a black pen. maybe with the recent event of me losing my home/family i feel inadequate, nothing can make me feel the way i once felt. i open the door and blank walls blind me, when the old walls would hold out a hand. i'm not used to faking smiles and forcing conversation, it's not that i don't want to talk, it's i have nothing to say, and i don't feel like being that person who goes through motions, when i can be motionless.
days go by, and i feel so unaware, i gauge time by however long it took me to completely fill a page with circles and lines, there's no clock ticking in my mind, there's just a ticking.
an annoyance of reality.
it's confirmed my father is and will be forever absent from the remainder of my life,
my mom feels like we should go to a funeral, but i told her he's been dead to me for years.
what a bitch, but i'm only the product of several years worth of acid rain.
jaded and more cynical than ever, but i still love to love, absent love, detached love.
so let me.
Love;
as people fade something about them grows brighter, they have a sense of spiritual being rather than physical, and their love shines through or their lack of.
the world is a beautiful place, what did we do to it?
you go online, thank the heavens for spam blocker and spy ware, but when i walk outside billboards and jackasses consume me, there's no X in the corner I can't block them out, when i just want to see the screen, my vision of trees and smoke signals.

i'm too distracted,
back to the drawing board.


when will i ever get to italy?