very (UN)focused

Time is spiraling out of control, running from my fingertips faster than money.
The leaves are only a constant reminder of what's yet to come, I'm excited. I can't wait for the future, digging new graves to fill. Everyday is a battle, a constant fight. Trying to get my thoughts clear, i have to backtrack before things can get any better. I've made way too many damn mistakes in the past months, I'm very aware of what I've done and haven't done, progress. change. it's all happening under the surface all of the time. Sometimes I feel like fighting myself is always the biggest battle, I always have to fight myself and when I'm not that's when I fuck up. I'm too in the moment I rarely yield with caution, just go, just do it, and if there's a problem I'll spend the next months of my life trying to straighten out the aftermath. And that's where I am, so done dealing with my constant lapse of judgment. So frustrated at myself, and that doesn't even help any. If you want to be it, be it. If you want to change it, change it.
Nobody said it was easy.
It is what it is, and that's what it is.
..

I love the people in my life, so THANKFUL for everyone I know, meet, see, strangers, dangers. Everyone has their own pile of shit they have to carry around with them all day, so be nice, think twice and most of all please stay off of the roads if you're in a hurry, you're not the only person you're responsible for when you're driving..
as for me
i'm in no rush;

not today at least
xo

red leaves, red lobsters

I've been walking down the wrong path,
i'm jumping ship, I have to get my thoughts together.
Alright Laura steer straight,
avoid danger and bright lights.

Why do you keep showing up in my dreams,
get out of my head.
Twenty bodies lined up along the railroad tracks, all bent over with their heads on the rail.
On a beautiful bridge, over a river.
The train comes, nothing but blood showers- no one moved.
The river turns red.
And I wake up.

My head's on the line next.

see you today

I'm so twisted and tangled in the thoughts of your locks alone-
I don't even need to be near them, I haven't even seen you in weeks.
Something about those eyes that burn through the days and land themselves a starring role in most of my nights dreams, I want you. But I spilled the milk months ago, a real fuck up, me. We probably could of had something great but I destroyed it, instantly, the bat of an eyelash and a zip of a zipper and bam. over. I was so far away from right, my judgment is always in the red zone it seems. A walking disaster. I didn't want it to be this way.
I really really wanted this story to have a different end. For now it is what is, and that's what it is.
..
Turning 21 was exactly what I expected. Woke up the next morning with a blackout induced panic attack. I thought I died at TeeBones, but for some reason I woke up in my bed, clothes trail through the house and jessica at my side. I had alot of fun yet I drank an oceans worth, I never want that much alcohol running through my veins again, it was painful. And the fact that there are at least three good hours that are just black spots in my memory freaks me out. I can't handle it.
[self control]: i'm trying so hard to get a grasp on the meaning, and what it means for me. I feel like I have been spiraling OUT of control for too long, I need to get my priorities in check. fast.
..
Things are starting to fall into to place and I have nothing but high hopes for the months to come. Bills are getting paid off, slowly but surely and I am working two jobs, hours are finally picking up. I hope to be moving by december, back in with Brenna. Which will be amazing, i can't handle it here, I need my own place, I need art supplies everywhere, I need space. And a kitty..

Wide awake, 3 AM. Work in the AM.
Geesh..

Sing me to sleep?
xo

The cold is sweeping through this small town, warm hearts turned bitter. It's only the beginning, the leaves are still holding tight to trees, soon they'll be falling under our feet, crunch.
Six days brings my day of birth, birthday, happy day. I just don't even have the energy at this moment to think about it, I just don't even want to.
..

And here we are darling, you with your desire to burn.
As the flames eat you whole let me watch and learn.
So sudden, so sweet, just add fire and meet your defeat.

..
another day, another time
i'll sit down and really let you in on the chaos which consumes my mind,
for now i'm busy painting.
xo

cold coffee

I need to stretch, my body feels tightly coiled around this spinal cord, I'm in need of a deep release, the spiritual type.
I'm exhausted, sleep hasn't come easily as of late, so aggravating. I can sleep when I die they say, that couldn't come sooner. I want to go on lock down and wake up when the leaves are glowing red and yellow. That means winter is waiting around the corner, end thought.
I saw the Chihuly exhibit yesterday in grand rapids at the frederik meijer sculpture gardens, it was the most amazing day, so beautiful. I felt like I was floating through wonderland, candyland or something of the sort. Passing by giant horses and rock candy sculptures reaching high into the sky. I loved the art pieces in the water, it was magic. Art in the garden, now that's just genious, I'm so happy it exsists in the world. People who translate thought into art, I use paint, Chihuly glass. It gives me chills almost in the best possible way just knowing that this piece of beauty came somewhere from the back of your brain through your hands to my face, for my interpretation for my enjoyment and all at the sametime it provides you some sort of gratification. Making people think with your colorful thoughts.
I really relate to those who create.
I'm overflowing with inspiration, today is dedicated to paint and reading.
I picked up a book the other day, toward 2012. And no it's not one of those OMG THE WORLD IS GOING TO END type deals, more of a look into the world and the evolution of human conciosness. It's really great thus far, right up my alley.
the sun is ashinin', I refuse to be a slave to this glowing box today.
Lights out robot, i'm going solar, time to melt.
xo

steak dinner

Good evening ladies and gentlemen;
slightly feverish and stuffed up but I'm doing okay, it's that out of body feeling you get when your allergies attack your brain and every crevice inbetween.
So much for New Mexico, another year perhaps I need some more time.
I've been busy translating my thoughts into color on your canvas, I never really begin knowing what I'm creating yet when I finish it's speaking to me just the way I'd hope it would.
Soul music, windows open, on the floor, the dog days of august are coming to an end and I feel autumn creeping up from behind though right now, right here i feel the sweet sweat of summer dripping down my temple. no complaints, i like it this way.
Shadow is sprawled out on the carpet, he turned 10 this year. I can't believe it, I remember the first time I laid eyes on that pup and it's been pure love and bliss since, what a wonderful animal.
I'm currently broke as a joke, not completely jobless but JoAnn's is a total joke, 4 hours a week? Psh. I've been selling art here and there but the whole starving artist thing isn't cutting it. I need to get out of this hell hole, I need to move, I need my space.
Brother and father are barking at my face, no concentration.
I'll be back, maybe.
xo